Tracy Todd's Blog

After more than a decade of being on my own and a recent failed relationship, I was inspired by a friend’s fairytale love story to subscribe to an online dating site – something I have always frowned upon.
 
So with much trepidation I cautiously proceeded to write a profile.
 
This is how it goes…
 
Why should people get to know me?
 
Although I need a wheelchair to get around it is most certainly NOT what defines me as a woman. It should be a combination of my personality, my passion for life, my intelligence, my opinions, my sense of humour, shared interests, my heart and my light that is attractive. Those are most certainly the qualities that I look for in a soul-mate. Generally, society views disabled (I detest that word) people as “needy” and vulnerable. Although that may be true for some, I consider myself to be a spirited, confident, strong, independent woman. I’m not emotionally needy – I have strength of character that could stand up to just about anyone. I may be slightly more physically needy than most – but I far prefer my care assistants to take care of those needs anyway – I’m definitely not looking for a male nurse. Financially I’ve struggled along but I most certainly don’t want a man for his money. I know of many healthy, able-bodied women out there who are far more “needy” – physically, emotionally and financially – than I could ever be. I’m also not any more – or less – vulnerable than anyone else. I have a strong mind and spirit with an incredible verbal independence – albeit quite cheeky at times. Some could argue that the mere fact that I cannot simply get up and walk away automatically puts me at risk and makes me more vulnerable – despite having a battery-powered, chin-controlled wheelchair. But then statistics have shown that if a guy does not respond to the word “No” then no amount of athleticism will change his intentions. Generally, society does not like to associate themselves – particularly not romantically – with people who do not appear physically whole. Ironically, I consider myself to be a far more whole person now than what I ever was. The reality is – as harsh as it may sound – that special guys do not come along very often. But I still believe that there is a Mr. Right out there for me. He will not be the only special one… because it’s ME who is special enough!
 
Describe my ideal match
 
I’m looking for a genuine, honest man with integrity who has the unique (and rare) ability to look way beyond my wheelchair and see me for the person that I really am. He should respect me as a person and treat me like a lady. He should be intelligent and witty without being sarcastic or arrogant. He should be somebody I can laugh with, cry with and debate everything with. He should be loving, caring, affectionate and protective without being jealous or possessive. He should be charming but sincere. He should be well groomed and a true gentleman. He should have good family values, morals and principles. He should be open-minded and be able to have intelligent conversation as well as respect the opinions of others. He should be a believer/religious/spiritual without being a Bible puncher. He should not have anger management problems or be inclined to sulk. He should have more emotional intelligence than anything else. He should be able to express his feelings and have a genuine compassion and understanding of the needs of others. He should love the bush and nature but not be a camper. He should love the sea but be happy to appreciate it from a balcony or a deck. He should enjoy good music but not impose it on the neighbours. He should definitely be a non-smoker. He should be able to enjoy a glass of wine every now and again without behaving like a hooligan. He should enjoy a lunch or dinner at a fine restaurant and know how to use the utensils on the table. He should love dogs but not want them sleeping on his bed. He should love children but not constantly behave like one. He should enjoy socializing with good friends but know when it’s time to go home. He should be romantic and appreciate the small things in life. He should be well read and have knowledge and understanding of the ways of the world.
 
A tall ask – I know! Yes, I am lonesome but not desperate. I deserve the best – as does everybody else.
 
Well, blow me down, there are (seemingly decent) local South African men out there – sane and fully functioning ones at that – who dare to show an interest, willingly communicate and engage with someone like me – a C4 quadriplegic – and that is at their own initiation of the interaction. Some would even like to meet me. Amazing!
 
It just goes to show that I too, live with ignorant prejudices and make unjust generalizations that able-bodied people would never be interested (romantically) in a person living with a disability. Perhaps, it has been my own insecurities and perception of myself, as a lesser being, that has influenced my abilities – or lack of – to attract a suitable life partner?
 
Unfortunately, there are so many negative stigmas attached to Internet dating. But at the age of 40, what are one’s options really? It sure beats sitting in a pub somewhere waiting to be picked up by some man – the likes of exactly what I am not looking for in a soul mate. Some argue that the Internet is a hiding place for unscrupulous people with ill-intent. But one can surely just as easily be conned or deceived in any real life encounter – it doesn’t only happen on the Internet. I guess one must learn to become somewhat selective in one’s choices of whom one communicates with. Thankfully, I have the option to remain anonymous for as long as I like – until I feel comfortable enough to reveal my true identity and contact details to the other party.
 
After experiencing many of life’s harsh realities firsthand I would rather be alone than end up with the wrong man. Strangely enough if I was magically able to turn back the hands of time and I had an opportunity to choose a new life, I would once again choose a life with a broken neck as opposed to having a broken heart – and I’ve lived both. Yeah right! But at least with a broken neck one carries most of the scars on the outside of one’s body whereas with a broken heart the scars run so deep that it makes it very difficult for one to recover – if ever.
 
I made sure to state emphatically that I am in a wheelchair – and my profile leaves no doubt as to exactly the kind of person I am looking for in a prospective partner – so that no man can maintain that I have deceived him in any way.
 
Without much hope and not expecting much response I have been pleasantly surprised. There are many lonely, disillusioned people out there looking to make a deep, meaningful connection with somebody special. Yes, then there are a few whose intentions are not honorable. That’s life.
 
The most positive aspect of it all, for me personally, is the fact that I can communicate with the opposite sex – one on one – without the barrier of the wheelchair. Online dating presents the ideal platform for a man looking for a romantic encounter – to get to know the real me – the woman – behind the wheelchair. I have as much chance here as anyone else of meeting my ideal match because it’s the one place where all impediments can become invisible. In a sense, it levels the playing field for all.
 
It’s amazing how freely and easily conversations can occur behind the “safety” of a computer screen. I’ve realised that I’m not the only one struggling with insecurities and feelings of inadequacy at times. But more importantly, I’ve learned that those feelings are certainly not only restricted to people living with a disability. Yay, I am just as normal as everyone else!
 
Another revelation for me is that not all men are dogs. In fact, very few of them are. I already knew that deep down in my heart but I have allowed my disappointments to become my focus and in the process I unconsciously avoided intimate contact with men and built a fortress around my heart. I think I unwittingly took comfort in the excuse that no man would ever be interested in pursuing a relationship with me. I kept hoping for love but I know now that I wasn’t really open to it.
 
I discovered that (surprisingly) most men have exactly the same needs, wants and desires as I do – or anyone else for that matter.  Many of them share my passions, have similar dreams and are also in need of love – plain and simple.  Another eye-opener for me is that men are just as vulnerable to having their hearts broken and being hurt – emotionally and physically. As I hear story after story, I have come to the conclusion that some women can be real bitches and many of them really do take the men in their lives for granted and treat them terribly.
 
I recognize that in my own, unique way, I have the power to change mindsets here – and I believe I have already started doing so – although this was not my prime reason for joining the site. I know that some men will never have the courage to approach me or even talk to me if they were to come across me in a real life encounter. I’ve found that many are simply inquisitive about the technology I use – particularly the more technically minded among them. So they begin communicating with me on this basis wanting to know more about my wheelchair and how I operate my computer.  The dating game is difficult for all but this presents an automatic icebreaker in a sense. Perhaps, being differently-abled gives me a slight advantage over many other ladies on the site with regards to initially having a topic of conversation besides the weather or any other such mundane matters? This chit-chat gives me the opportunity of showing my personality, character, sense of humour and exposing my being as a woman. This tweaks the curiosity enough of some to actually want to meet me in person.
 
But, when a man openly admits to having no clue of what a C4 quadriplegic is and then spends time and energy researching – or more importantly reading about quadriplegic sexuality – on the Internet. That is a major victory for me! For the first time in his life he is going to see differently because he has been given the privilege of looking differently. That is reason enough to celebrate.
 
Aside from it being fun, a major ego boost and welcome intellectual and emotional stimulation I actually have a renewed sense of hope of meeting a genuine life partner – a soul mate – something I had given up on a long time ago already. But, I have no unrealistic hopes or high expectations of meeting someone anytime soon. At this stage I feel as if I have nothing much left to lose and rather have much to gain – and at worst I can end up with some lasting friendships.
 
Besides, what would life be without hope?
 
Inspiration taken from…
 
Love and risk being hurt. Give and risk being taken for granted. Help and risk involvement. Speak out and risk criticism. Climb and risk falling. Truly live and risk dying. Those who avoid all risks are avoiding life itself. Life’s greatest risk is to not risk at all.
 
Anonymous