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by Miss_Muse

Bad day blues…

May 24, 2013 in Uncategorized

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I’ve had a few sick days during the last couple of weeks. I didn’t take off from work but came to the office and carried on. No, I’m not some martyr. You see, the type of sick I’ve been feeling isn’t the type where you can take the day off.

Yes, I realise it’s possible for a doctor to book you off from work for psychological reasons but do you really want him to? I don’t and maybe I’m silly but…“Hey boss, I’m struggling to get out of bed to come to work…no, my back is fine…I haven’t broken any bones…no, it’s not a migraine…?!?!?!..I’m depressed.”

Queue office gossip.

There is still some major stigma attached to depression or any other psychological illness. You’re bound to be called crazy or a loony, and taking the day off might even, around the water cooler, translate into you’ve gone to the nuthouse. Sigh.

Isn’t your brain an organ too? Why is it fine to call in sick if last night’s sushi is trying its best to escape through every orifice in your body BUT when your brain is feeling a little more grey than usual you have to go to work?

It’s unfair. Seasonal Affective Disorder, depression, bi-polar disorder or any other psychological or mood disorder can be just as debilitating – or even more so – than upchucking vrot kos.

I’m not talking about any ol’ bad day here – the kind everyone gets every now and again where you’re not in the mood for work because it’s cold outside and your bed is so nice and snug and warm and your cat is curled up behind your butt and it’s just so damn cute…

I’m talking about the bad days people who suffer from mood disorders get. You know? The “I’m useless at life, I’m a waste of space who won’t ever accomplish anything and should just die” kind of bad day.

There is the odd chance that actually getting up and going to work will make you feel better but something will most probably happen that will confirm your feeling of uselessness. Working when you feel like a complete failure isn’t fun ­- I would much rather stay in bed and sleep through it.

Unfortunately, until people accept that your brain can get sick too and that it doesn’t mean you’re going to go all Psycho slasher  film on them, I’ll have to drag my sorry ass out of bed and go to work…

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You are beautiful!

May 2, 2013 in Uncategorized

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I’ve always said women are their own and each other’s worst enemies. When it comes to the way our bodies look, we’re harder on ourselves than men will ever be.  They don’t really care. Actually, they like faces. Yes, you read that right, research has shown that men judge the attractiveness of a woman not by how thin she is, how big her breasts are or how perfectly round her butt is, but by looking at her face. Ok, I’m going to add “most” men because you do get those shallow types who for some or other reason like models (read skeletons).

We as women are so hard on ourselves we have a completely distorted view of how other people see us. That’s scary. All the Cosmopolitan and sister magazines have warped what is considered beautiful into something  unnatural and unhealthy, and if we dare deviate just a little bit from their ideal woman we’re called ugly and fat. Everywhere we look we’re bombarded with figures that we’re told are women but could just as well be men. They’ve stripped themselves of everything that makes them women – no breasts, no hips, no buttocks – just sticks.

Luckily Dove has been at the forefront of changing what society view as beautiful back to what is truly beautiful – healthy, curvy, sensual women.  It started with their Real Beauty campaign that kicked off in 2004 and they’re, to this day, still pushing boundaries.

In a recent social experiment  Dove asked women to describe how they see themselves to a sketch artist. This sketch was then compared to one where the same woman was described by a random stranger.

The results aren’t surprising. All seven see themselves as old and overweight women – a stark contrast to how they really look. What is surprising is only 4 percent of ALL the women in the world consider themselves as beautiful. Only 4 percent! That’s a drop in the ocean. How did it come to this? How did we go from the classic beauties in paintings like The Birh of Venus by Botticelli to anorexic models on front pages of magazines? Magazines run by women, for women…

I’m lucky that I can see the beauty in the people around me but most importantly in myself. I just wish that more women would realise how beautiful they are. Self-esteem issues are horrible to deal with, it turns what could be a wonderful life into one filled with insecurities and heartache.

To those who can’t see themselves for the sensual, sexy and hot women they are I am going to steal Dove’s kicker and say: You are more beautiful than you think.

Stop comparing yourself to what strangers consider as good looking. Listen to your friends and family when they tell you you are beautiful. Tell yourself you are gorgeous and BELIEVE it. You belong in the 4 percent.

 

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My dear, take off those rose-tinted glasses

April 9, 2013 in Uncategorized

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It seems love really is blind. We’ve all done it, you know, ignore a partner’s bad behaviour. It is okay if what you’re overlooking is a pair of underpants on the living room floor but when you ignore something harmful like abuse it is time to stop and think. Think with your brain and not with your heart. Women struggle with that. We so easily confuse our thoughts with our feelings. It’s especially hard to distinguish between the two when it comes to l.o.v.e.

In a previous blog I ask how long one should wait before jumping into another relationship. Call me an ugly, unwanted, crazy cat lady…oh wait, some of you already have…but I still think you should get over your ex completely before you enter into a relationship with someone else.

My reasoning? Let’s say you’re in an abusive relationship – physical abuse. The times when he’s not beating you, you’re happy and that to you is enough. It is enough because your previous boyfriend was an even bigger douchebag. Maybe he not only hit you but cheated on you too. So in all fairness this new boyfriend is a step-up…you argue. Then, one day the relationship ends.

A while later you realise what hell you went through. You start thinking with your brain again. That’s good. But then while your heart is still hurting someone else comes along. He promises you the world, much like the previous boyfriend did. In most ways he’s better than the ex; he’s loving and caring and assures you that he’ll never lift a hand to you. BUT he uses drugs and not every now and again…daily. He leaves you in a panic when he disappears for days on end with not even a SMS saying he’s okay. He steals from you to feed his drug habit. Yet…you ignore all that. You are just so glad that you’ve met someone who is better than your ex – someone who doesn’t hit you – you don’t realise this guy is just another bad breakup waiting to happen.

What if you waited? What if you were strong enough to say, “Hey, I’m not over my ex. Let’s be friends for now while I work on myself”.  Maybe if you tried to be friends first you would have seen that he is not your knight in shining armour but just a step-up from your ex. Someone that is keeping you from being the best you can be and maybe even someone who is occupying the space that is meant for someone that is truly great and not just a little bit better than the last scumbag you dated.

Are you convinced yet? Fireworks and champagne if you are, #facepalm if you’re not. But let’s leave it there.

If you ask yourself why a woman would be in a relationship with a man that does anything to hurt her, physically or emotionally, you’ll see it comes down to self-worth. They don’t believe they deserve better or can do better because of x, y and z. I wish I could shake these women – wake them up and tell them they are wonderful, caring, sexy goddesses who should realise their worth and surround themselves with people who do too.

They  don’t have to leap at any man who treats them a little better than the last. They can wait for the one that will make all the boyfriends before look like the devils they are.

Bottom line, you deserve better when what he does makes you feel anything less than the beautiful woman you are. Never settle.

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Killing the green-eyed monster

April 9, 2013 in Uncategorized

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Being in the non-traditional type of relationship that I am, I was forced to work on jealousy. It was either that or leave a 10 (now almost 12) year relationship behind. I did it by asking a lot of difficult questions about myself – introspection. And. It. Sucked. I didn’t want to dig down so deep but in the end, I’m glad I did.

Relationships, whichever type you choose, are hard work and killing the green-eyed monster is probably the most difficult part.

You see, jealousy is not an emotion – it does not exist. If you say you’re jealous what you’re actually saying is that you’re insecure. By giving it a different name people don’t work on the crux of the issue. They skirt around it and think feeling jealous is normal.

When you’re in a polyamorous relationship you WILL battle with jealousy (read insecurity). If you add a low self-esteem to that insecurity you can count on heated fights and spending nights crying yourself to sleep – feeling abandoned and replaced. Sounds horrible, I know, but when you choose this type of relationship the emotions you would feel in a monogamous one are amplified BUT luckily you’re prepared for it. People who choose to be polyamorous know what to expect and they know it will take work, work that monogamous couples can benefit from but hardly ever do.

When you’re in a traditional relationship it seems the general feeling is that jealousy is okay, sometimes it’s even labelled as cute. Don’t you think a relationship with little or NO jealousy would be relaxing, joyful, stress-free…pure bliss?  It is possible BUT people approach jealousy wrongly. They think stopping the behaviour that made them jealous is good enough. It isn’t. Placing limitations on your partner, changing his behaviour to sooth your insecurities will lead to resentment. Rather shift the focus to yourself. Find out why you feel jealous (again, read insecure). What triggered it? Did your partner look in the direction of a woman walking by?  If so, why is that wrong? Be honest with yourself and soon you’ll see that you felt jealous because YOU think the woman has nicer hair, breasts, legs or…take your pick…than you do.

See every moment of feeling jealous as an opportunity to dig deep and discovery your insecurities. Find out what hides behind your jealousy and work on it. Relationships can’t survive let alone thrive when one partner is overwhelmed by jealousy. Insecurity is not sexy. If you can work on your insecurities and on your self-esteem issues it will take a lot to make you jealous and if it does happen you’ll be able to talk yourself out of it. You’ll know you are the best thing since sliced bread and if someone else can’t see it boo-hoo for them – their loss.

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Liar, liar, vagina on fire!

March 25, 2013 in Uncategorized

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There’s this big hoo-ha surrounding The Bachelor’s bachelor claiming he’s a born-again virgin. Rightly so, if you ask me. Come again…born-again what?

Firstly, this whole concept of men being virgins, well I don’t agree with that. But that’s just me. Wait, before you get all angry and call me sexist or whatever, the dictionary is on your side: “a person, typically a woman, who has never had sexual intercourse”. I do like the “typically a woman” part though because face it, men don’t have anything to lose when they have sex. Women have hymens. Ouch.

But anyway, I’m not here to debate if men can be virgins. I do however want to point and laugh at any one who calls themselves a born-again virgin. Can I, please?

How it works is after you’ve had sex, you repent and decide to never, ever, ever do it again until the day you get married, thus rewriting history to suit your life…which some, including me, would now call – a lie. I feel sorry for the poor sod who by his/her own doing has to live without sex but hey, to each their own, their own…HAND in a born-again virgin’s case. Haha.

What I don’t like is that virginity is so hyped up that women go through hymen reconstruction surgery to avoid being abused or worse, killed! Really, come on now, it is a piece of skin. But let’s leave the religious fanatics alone for today and focus on the beauty queens who decide to do it because, well, they can.

Are you that shallow, or worse, that dishonest? Are you really going to lie there in bed and tell the person next to you that you’re still a virgin and ask them to be gentle? That’s the way to start a relationship, you go girl!

Seriously, why do it? When, where and how you lost your virginity is part of who you are. It might have been one of the most amazing experiences you’ve ever had or the worst but it happened and a fake hymen can’t erase that.

Lying about it won’t help either, you’ll know this isn’t REALLY your first time and I can’t help but think a normal person would feel a little guilty about misleading their lover. But then again maybe a normal person would be happy to leave their hymen where they lost it.

Come on ladies. There are women who NEED to have this surgery because they live in cultures where they are treated as second rate citizens, where they are no better than dogs and one misstep leads to the back of a hand or worse.

Let’s work towards raising awareness about these atrocities. Faking your virginity because you think it is somehow better is putting way too much importance on something you can lose while riding a horse. Again, we the women, have the power to stand up against men and religious and cultural practises that harm us. But in the same breath, we also have the power to harm each other.

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Weekend guilt trip, anybody?

March 24, 2013 in Uncategorized

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I just watched a movie that ended with, “What the f**k have you done lately?”. So since my day was wasted walking from bed to couch, from couch to bed and watching movie after movie, I decided to do something productive.

Some of you probably don’t think writing a blog is productive. Actually, come to think of it, I don’t either. To me studying or bettering yourself at something would be productive. Cooking dinner for a friend would be productive…

So not only do I feel guilty about doing nothing the whole day, I feel guilty for cancelling dinner. I guess this is why someone told me earlier this week I should stop ‘being Christian in my head, punishing myself all the time’.

I do. Today is a good example. I mean seriously, who feels bad about doing nothing over the weekend? That’s what you’re supposed to do, right?

Logically I know all this but logic doesn’t always rule.

Another example is when I’m sick and have to miss work. I’d lie there and think how pathetic that I can’t lift my sweaty, snotty, germ-infested body out of bed and go do my job.

But I’m sure this guilt-complex doesn’t affect only me. A lot of us were raised to feel this way. From young we were told to go, go, go and if we couldn’t, would be called useless or something similar.

If you think about it you don’t ever really rest. If you sit and do nothing you’re anxious about what you could or should be doing, which is so tiring. On the other hand if you actually do something like learn Italian or work in the garden you don’t have a break and will surely burn out sometime. This is all so very confusing to me. I suppose you should find a middle way. Half of the Saturday you sit around and twiddle your thumbs, the other half you do something productive. Same goes for a Sunday. Maybe then there will be less guilt?

In a way I think some guilt is good because it forces you to do something (if you pay attention to it and not just sleep through it). Most of us DO waste a lot of time. I cancelled my Dstv because I thought I could make better use of the time. It did work and now I feel less guilty during the week because when I come home from work I don’t waste the whole night in front of the TV. My Italian is getting there…

So I guess what I’m saying is we should beat ourselves up about doing nothing just a little so that we end up doing something, no matter how small. That way life doesn’t just waste away while you’re in your pj’s, on the couch, watching movies you’ve seen before. But the guilt shouldn’t be so bad that you’re anxious when you decide to just chill.

I’ll start to search for a middle way and when I find it, I’ll let you know.

 

 

 

 

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The SAD truth about Winter

March 22, 2013 in Uncategorized

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I hate Winter. No wait, my brain hates Winter. It hates it so much that it produces less of the happy hormone Serotonin, leaving me down and depressed. SAD.

Seasonal affective disorder or what some call Winter blues starts at the end of Autumn or beginning of Winter.

My symptoms started about 8 days ago and got gradually worse and I only yesterday put two and two together and figured out why I’ve been so moody lately.

It’s that time of the year, Winter, and I should know the signs by now since I’ve suffered from SAD for a long time but I always seem to forget.

It starts with a general irritability that worsens to a teeth grinding fit of anger at the slightest misstep by someone. Unfortunately, usually the ones closest to you have to deal with the worst of it because you can’t bite off your boss’s or colleagues heads if they, let’s say, move something on your desk 1cm.

It’s difficult to get out of bed in the morning but very, very easy to get into bed in the evening as soon as I get home from work. I usually lose interest in everything and withdraw from friends and family. Social activities sound tiresome and even though I make plans with all the intentions in the world of sticking to them my energy levels are so low I can’t help but cancel and pass out on the couch. If any of my friends are reading this, I’m sorry. This week was fully booked with dinners and visits but I cancelled all of them except one. Don’t take it personally, I’m just not myself during Winter.

Other symptoms include difficulty concentrating, decreased sex drive, feelings of hopelessness and a lack of pleasure…in anything.

The good news is, this is totally treatable. I even have options. I can either go on anti-depressants for the winter months, I can go for light-therapy, Negative air ionization therapy or supplement the hormone Melatonin.

I only ever tried anti-depressants but think this time around I might combine it with light-therapy. Just thinking of sitting in front of a bright light that mimics the sun is already lifting my mood.

The objective of this blog is two-fold:

1.AWARENESS: If you’re not your hippity, hoppity, happy self during Winter (or any other season), it might mean that you suffer from SAD. This is totally treatable as you just read up there so don’t lose hope. Go see your GP or psychologist and together you can make the unbearable seasons bearable.

2. TO APOLOGISE: To my friends and family, sorry in advance. I might have done or will probably do or say something very unlike me. Keep in mind that the chemicals in my body are all wonky because I am, contrary to what you believe, not a Vampire and need the sun!

So here’s to the 1st of September, my favourite day of the year. May it come quickly.

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Creecy, get off the Satanism bandwagon!

March 18, 2013 in Uncategorized

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I am so angered by something I just read that I’m ready to kick something. Hard.

Gauteng education MEC Barbara Creecy, do you just believe everything you’re told without question? It seems the answer is yes, if one looks at your latest brainchild ­ – an “anti-harmful” religious strategy for schools. Oh, that actually translates to: ridding schools of “harmful practices” like Satanism and occultism. Unconstitutional much?

Listen here Creecy, Satanism is a religion, just like Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism…you get my point. In South Africa, according to the Constitution, we’re free to practise any religion we want. I can worship my grandpa’s big, calloused, stinky toe if I want to, and it is non of your business. Now you want to ban Satanism – which is a recognised religion, and I will point this out over and over again until you and the rest of South Africa get it into your thick skulls – from schools.

You deem Satanism and the occult as “spiritual disturbances”. Really? Who gave you the authority to make such a judgement call? Who gave you permission to discriminate against followers of the Satanic religion?

Ok, since it looks like you’re not familiar with the practice of checking your facts, I’ll enlighten you. Skinning cats, drinking blood, or eating babies are as much Satanic practices as murdering and raping are Christian practices. (Considering that the majority of South Africans claim to be Christians and this country is rife with crime, there’s actually more weight in claiming that murder and rape are part of the Christian religion – but let’s not go there…today).

Anyway…let me just go get my Satanic Bible. It should be somewhere next to The Bible or in between my collection of Buddhist books or wait…here it is, next to The Atheist’s Way.

Much like the Christians have the 10 Commandments, Satanists have 11 Rules of the Earth. Rules 5, 9 and 10 will be covered today. Google is your friend if you want to read the rest.

5. Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.

So the often mentioned raping of virgins goes against one of the Satanic rules.

9. Do not harm little children.

Killing and eating a baby will harm them…don’t you think? So nope. There goes another myth. (Too bad the Catholic Church doesn’t seem to follow this Satanic rule.)

10. Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.

Cat isn’t on the menu so there won’t be any killing and skinning of cats or any other animals by real Satanists.

Now that we can all clearly see that Satanists, and when I say Satanists I mean members of The Church of Satan and followers of Anton Szandor LaVey, are actually very nice people, let’s move on to the blood-drinking fakes.

They’re just looking for attention and boy are they getting it. You just mention the word Satanism in schools and teachers, pastors, parents and now the government are all over you like flies on a big, smelly pile of skinned cat.

Creecy, you’re actually making things worse by going on and on about Satanism. Soon some poor kid, who is missing a few bulbs in the box, will go and drink blood or eat a baby’s heart just to get attention. He is, afterall, just doing what people like you are telling him Satanism is all about.

But such acts are criminal, not religious, and there is no need to bring religion (even wrongly represented religion) into it – I don’t see you targeting Christianity when a Christian pupil slits a friend’s throat.

Stop it already!

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Friendship Detox

March 6, 2013 in Uncategorized

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Sometimes you have to lock yourself in your house, deactivate your Facebook account and switch off your phone. I can see you sitting there, shaking your head with a loud “Never!” echoing through your mind but wait, give me a second to explain.

Friends, or people you think are your friends but probably aren’t, yip, they can be the cause of a lot of problems in your life. Sometimes, very rarely, you have to cut ties and go through a friendship detox.

Let’s say most of your friends drink a lot. Every day is like spring break for them, where you party until the sun comes up, sleep an hour, then start partying again. The only problem is, when you’re a grown up you have to go to work after that hour’s sleep.

Fatigue starts to set in after a few sleepless nights filled with drunken debauchery and soon your liver starts to shrivel up, the bags under your eyes replace your cheeks and people at work start to call you Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Not good. And of course your job will suffer, causing yet more stress.

So don’t you agree that it’s best then to say “Au revoir!” for a few weeks, maybe months?

Sometimes you’re not strong enough to say no when they hand you that double brandy and Coke. Sometimes you go visit your friends with the best intentions in mind but before you know it, dinner turns into a full blown party-till-you-pass-out affair.

Of course you can ask your friends to support you, you know, “Can I have a rum and Coke but hold the rum”, and if they’re capable of handing you that glass without a snide remark, you can add them to your real friends list. And when you can’t resist that oh-so-nice bottle of [enter your poison here], your friends need to help you. They need to say no when you can’t and if they can’t do that, then you have to add them to the fake list.

Okay, maybe I’m being too harsh, maybe they just can’t say no to you or stand up to you or maybe, and I think this is more likely, they just don’t care that you’ll turn into an alcoholic, lose your job or that the Grim Reaper will pay you a visit 20 years too soon.

I think one way of figuring that out is disappearing off the radar. Those who care and see you’re serious about living differently will try to find you and help. Those who don’t care will notice you’re missing from Facebook the first two days and then forget about you altogether. If you ask me, a good way of separating true friends from fakes.

 

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It’s okay to be alone

March 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

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How long should you wait before starting a new relationship after your last one ended in a fist-to-face way?  If it was me, I would wait a long, long time but it seems people, especially women, struggle to be alone. I wonder why.

Maybe they don’t like themselves and that’s why they don’t like their own company. I don’t know, I’m speculating here.

I mean, come on now, you don’t need to be in a relationship with someone to hang out with them. The same goes for sex. If you ask me, sex with no strings attached is sometimes just what you need.

It takes time to get over a failed relationship and there are reasons why rebound relationships mostly fail.

The problem is, when you’re in a relationship with someone for longer than a week (or day in some cases), you tend to lose some of yourself. For whatever reason you change your way of doing things; you see your friends less, you don’t read anymore because Honeybunch would rather you watch TV with him, and the list goes on.

After a breakup you have the perfect opportunity to find yourself again. And no, you don’t have to do it alone.  Like I said, you can chill with men and have random sex but, hell, hold off on moving in together for, say, at least a year, okay?

Rather use the time to get back to you and do the things you couldn’t, before you fall into another relationship where you’ll change more of yourself for yet another man.

Now, some women are going to jump on me and tell me how they would never change or do things differently because they’re in a relationship. But people change when they’re in relationships, they have to. Even if it is something as minor as having to stop hanging your bra over the bathroom door handle because Lovie doesn’t like it…that’s still change. I suppose it’s compromise but you’re doing things differently because of another person. There’s nothing wrong with that ­- but sometimes women change too much and one day when they look at themselves in the mirror, they wonder who is looking back.

The point is, learn to be okay on your own and then, only then, go into a relationship. That way you can be sure that you won’t change major things about yourself because you’ll be happy with yourself just the way you are. And if he doesn’t like it…there’s the door.