April 13, 2014 in Uncategorized
Post-coitus guilt. It’s a thing. Or maybe it isn’t…I’m too tired to Google. I had a night from hell and it was all my own doing.
You’d think that Calvin Klein model material will equal sexual attraction – panty dropping stuff – but apparently not. Ok, maybe the panty did drop but the attraction fizzled out before he had time to put on a condom.
So what is a girl supposed to do? Say, “Hey, dude, the moment has passed” even though we only just started? No, that’s not nice. So I did something for the first time in my life – I faked it.
But let’s go back a little. I’ve been seeing this guy on and off for the last three years. He’s kinky, I’m kinky so most times we’re together we get our freak on. It never inspires me but I always make excuses…”maybe I wasn’t in the right mood and that is why it wasn’t fun for me blah blah blah” and end up seeing him again.
Last night we went vanilla. I was lying there, bored out of my mind. Yes, like in the movies where the chick is totally not feeling it and you can see she is praying that he would just get it over with already. I was so not into it my thoughts were all over the place: “You should go donate sperm. Beautiful people like you should populate the world…I’m almost on leave, should I play Skyrim or Dragon Age…I wonder what my neighbours are doing…Ooo, that feels good. Do it again…I need to buy batteries…” At one time I actually giggled softly because I was sure if someone were to look at us from above they would think we were in fast forward mode at the speed he was going at it.
I’m not here to poke fun at him. I’m 100% sure women will fall over each other to get a piece of him and they will leave perfectly satisfied. But for me, something is missing. Call it chemistry, call it an emotional bond, or whatever but it isn’t there.
Now, three years down the line, I have to end this. I feel horrible. One for having waited this long and two for faking it, letting him sleep over and making him coffee.
After the bump with a little grind, I was frozen in one position scared I’d wake him and he’d end up wanting a third helping.
I started to think…if someone that I cared about or that I’m in a relationship with ever did to me what I just did to this guy, I would have a mental breakdown. Phone Tara and book me a padded cell with a straight jacket – for at least six months.
The thought of one of my partners having sex with me or spending time with me because they feel they have to, and not because they want to makes my skin crawl. It feels like it would be the ultimate betrayal. Entering into a relationship with someone, you have to let go and trust. You have to believe that the person is with you because they want to be and not because of a misguided sense of duty, out of pity or Captain Save A Ho mentality. It’s hard. But, since I’m shit scared of karma I will make sure to never again fake it. I’ll only spend time (read have sex) with people I want to and who I have chemistry with.
I can only hope that last night doesn’t come back to bite me on the ass.