Women cheat just as much as men do
November 9, 2012 in Uncategorized
*This post also appears on Women24.com.*
Now I know I should be ashamed of myself, and I know most of you will go into a fit of hysteria at my lack of decency but, you see, my moral compass is exactly like my new car.
I don’t have a new car.
Don’t get me wrong: in a bid to successfully travel on the highroad of society without landing flat on my back, I have often tried to fight my unfaithful nature.
You know, like Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love. But, instead of digesting my way to self-discovery, I would be celibate, and through abstinence, get a hold of myself. It never worked.
I did crazy, stupid things to try and tame my harlot ways.
One month, I even imitated my editor and refused to shave anything in the hopes of repulsing myself to the point that I would refrain from doing the hanky panky…
Well, I ended up ransacking my kitchen for butter and a sharpened knife to shave with after my illicit lover came knocking one night. That ended up with a late night joy ride to the ICU, a dozen onlookers gawking at my gushing wounds, and Coolio playing in my head for days because I had channelled Dangerous Minds.
It wasn’t all for nothing, though. While laying in the back of the ambulance in quite a considerable amount of pain, it hit me: I’d just have to get better at this cheating thing.
I realised that if I was destined to walk this earth in twosomes and threesomes, I was going to have to do it right. Well, as right as wrong can be.
Feeling rather enlightened I followed through by conducting a bit of research. How? By asking Facebook, of course.
“So, I’m doing a story on cheating,” I typed out innocently. “Inbox me your means of manipulation, ladies.” To my surprise I was met with a host of stories and pieces of advice that reflected the true sisterhood, albeit of the adulterous kind.
Honour among thieves, eh…
Firstly, do not cause reason for suspicion by over-doing it with affection, or like many of you do, accuse your significant other of cheating because you are feeling guilty. Treat them like you always do – no more, no less.
Fake gym membership
Create a fake gym account so that you can come and go freely with a fresh supply of clothes and underwear for a quick change.
Contact your partner in crime from a phone booth as apposed to your cell phone so that your connection is untraceable.
Hidden in plain sight
Have an affair with someone your hubby knows. Doing the midnight tango with someone who understands your situation and is willing to play along is your best bet. Those anonymous affairs always turn out sour, and are infinitely more dangerous!
Create a fake Facebook account as the primary means of communication. It’s fast, easy and private and you won’t experience the horror of mutual friend suggestions popping up on your boyfriend’s Facebook account.
If you’re going to use affectionate names like “candypants” or “studmuffin” use the same ones for both the men in your life. It’s for your own benefit not to get confused with names so stick with nicknames.
Buy them the same cologne so that if you come home, he will never smell you.
Save the name of your lover under a woman’s name so that on the odd occasion that your real life boyfriend checks your phone there will be no male traces.
*Don’t forget to create a secret lover’s code, use movies to inspire you*
Don’t dress to impress…really
Do not dress up in front of your hubby if you are not taking him with you. Questions that follow this action is always ‘who are you dressing up for?’ and you do not want that.
Throw a tantrum
If caught up in an argument with your real life partner about infidelity, throw the ‘Oh! So you don’t trust me’ tantrum. Make him feel guilty by being on your best behaviour so that he may feel like he over-reacted and come grovelling back.